Taking on domestic violence

Given at Good Shepherd Lutheran – Verona campus

Sunday, Jan. 28, 2018

I thought at first that this was a fictional scene, conflating in one example some of the problems those of us in Christianity face when confronted with issues of domestic violence.

I wrote it as a column that appeared in The Capital Times in June of 2014. Here’s how it went:

 “A woman has been suffering physical abuse at the hands of her husband. She finally summons up the courage to talk to her pastor about it. 

“His advice: First, you need to recognize that your suffering is like Jesus’ suffering. 

“Next, you need to forgive like Jesus forgave. 

“Then remember that you made a commitment to marry this man for life.  

“He is the head of your family, so you need to make sure you are doing what he wants so you don’t trigger his anger. 

“And then an offer: Let me meet with the two of you and help you patch up your marriage.”

I described it as a fictional scenario. And then I heard from a friend: “That was the response from my minster regarding my first husband 30 years ago....”

A lot of churches are afraid to tackle issues of intimate partner violence for a lot of reasons. It’s an uncomfortable topic. There probably are people in the crowd on any given Sunday who are survivors or current victims or perpetrators. And some of our Christian beliefs need to be carefully expressed when we get into this territory.

So congrats and thanks to Good Shepherd for your willingness to take this on. Thanks again to Robin Kerl for her courage in telling her incredible and powerful story. 

Let me just briefly talk about what I think are the significant faith issues we need to wrestle with and then suggest what congregations can do both to help people caught in abusive relationships and to reduce the frequency of domestic violence.

There are five ideas connected to our Christian beliefs that I’d like to mention – the sanctity of marriage vows, the way we define masculinity and femininity, the notion of redemptive suffering, the importance of forgiveness and the way we deal with grief.

Different segments of Christianity deal with marriage and divorce differently, but I think we all share a common belief that the commitments we make to one another in marriage are sacred commitments not to be taken lightly. In some churches and for some individuals, those commitments can become handcuffs preventing escape from abuse, whether emotional or physical. 

The core idea when we talk about this ought to be “God wants everyone to be safe.” Staying in a marriage when your life is threatened or your body abused ignores the reality of a commitment that is already shattered. 

Some Christian traditions cite Biblical texts about the man being the head of the family. In our time, many of us see marriage as a much richer experience when partners relate to each other as equals, even if they take on different roles and tasks within a marriage. 

Yes, I know that there are words in two of the letters attributed to Paul about wives being subject to their husbands. Guys who like to exert power over their wives love that verse. And there are certainly some traditions in Christianity that hold a patriarchal view of marriage. 

But nowhere do those texts give a man the right to physically impose his will on or to abuse his wife. It’s good to remember the rest of the words of Paul in the Letter to the Colossians,  “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.” (Col 3:19)

Within some strains of Christianity, there is emphasis on offering up whatever suffering you experience to God. It’s sometimes called “redemptive suffering.” And there might be a place for that when you are suffering from an illness like cancer. But with cancer, you do not simply say, “Oh, I’ll just offer this up to God.” You seek out a cure. 

When you are being beaten by another who is part of your family, there is nothing spiritual about just putting up with it. “Offering up suffering” is not a response to domestic violence. Getting help is.

And then there is forgiveness. I see forgiveness as one of the central concepts of Christianity. It’s anything but a simple concept.  It's not like flipping a switch. It’s not ignoring the harm that is being done to you. It is not a free ticket for an abuser. Nor is it something we ought to be imposing on victims as if somehow that will make them worthy in God’s eyes. 

First the victim needs to be free of the abuse. Then the victim needs time – lots of time – for emotional as well as physical healing. Then maybe – maybe - the survivor can use forgiveness as a tool to help get free of the emotional grip of the abuser. The role of forgiveness in our lives, in our faith is important, but it needs to be approached with care for the survivor. It cannot be pushed on people by others.

Closely related to that is the idea of reconciliation. Can’t they just work it out so they can be a couple again? That’s what my mythical pastor – and too many real pastors – sought in that opening example. This cannot happen until the abuser gets treatment, maybe not even then.

What we are left with, then, is grief, something that those of us in a church setting ought to be able to attend to. The survivor may have escaped from an abusive, threatening relationship, but her life has been totally upended. And along with the fear of the abuser and the anger at what has happened, there is also deep grief at the loss of what should have been. As a community, we have some experience in helping people navigate grief. Let’s not lose sight of that.

Each of these issues are worth further exploration to make sure the messages we embrace as Christians are not harmful to the people in our lives, in our congregations. So that’s one piece of what a congregation can do.

There are others. Think about whether your congregation is sending messages that this is a safe place for people trapped in violent relationships. Maybe it’s posters and brochures about the topic, maybe it’s a support group, when it’s a team of people that take on issues of intimate partner violence as their focus. 

Some churches work with the Zonta Club of Madison to have a display like the one you see here of a silhouettes of family members outside a church during October – Domestic Violence Awareness Month – to bring attention to the issue and to let folks know this is a safe place

And since the perpetrators of domestic violence are most often men, one good area for a congregation to focus on is how to create a culture of healthy masculinity for both adult males and especially for teens.  It’s a topic for discussions in men’s groups. For teens, Elsa Gumm, who leads the local Faith Against Domestic Violence group, has created a program to work with congregations to equip teens to recognize and respond appropriately to dating abuse when they encounter in their lives or among their peers.

And then there is DAIS – Domestic Abuse Intervention Services. The Madison area is so lucky to have an organization like DAIS in our midst. From the efforts of five people some 40 years ago, it has grown into a national model of how to deal with domestic violence. It has a shelter with 56 beds and a wide array of programs to help those fleeing violent situations to have a safe space to find liberation in their lives.

Fifty-six beds and a new shelter and great programs. Well, that should pretty much take care of the problem in our community, right? Wrong. 

There is always a waiting list to get into the shelter. The biggest list in the past few months was over 100. And to be on the wait list, you have to be at risk of being killed. 

The scope of domestic abuse in our community is horrifying. It cuts across all economic groups, all races and ethnicities. The District Attorney’s office gets about 3,000 referrals each year for domestic violence. Unity-Point Meriter Hospital’s Forensic Nurse Unit is seeing an increase not only in the number of cases but also in the seriousness of the injuries.

So we need a continuing community response. 

DAIS has a 24-hour help line that victims can call as well as friends and family members who are trying to figure out what to do in the midst of abuse. It has support groups for survivors and for family members. It has program to help men who are victims of abuse, although women are far more likely than men to be on the receiving end of abuse. 

And since men are overwhelmingly more likely to be the perpetrators of violence than are women, DAIS has done a lot of work with male teens in schools and now with men in the wider community who want to be Allies for Healthy Masculinity. 

DAIS, in fact, is a critical partner for congregations in this work, so let me say a bit about their work and ways folks here can connect with them, either in times of need or if you want to help others prevent or end the horror of being trapped in an abusive or violent relationship.

Like any organization, they need volunteers. Some work with clients, others help spread the word in the community. One group that I am part of – DAIS Allies for Healthy Masculinity – is gathering new folks as we head into the year. 

There are specific items they need to help those who are in shelter or will be leaving shelter. You can contact DAIS for the specifics.

And it will come as no surprise that DAIS relies on the community for its funding, so monetary donations are always welcome. One thing a number of congregations do is use some of their direct aid funds to support folks trying to start over as they are leaving the DAIS shelter.

Remember that familiar Gospel reading we heard earlier today, the one about caring for those in need? 

Remember the powerful story we just heard from Robin? 

We know there are ways we can respond. I hope each of us can find at least one way we can make our community a safer place for all.